Anxiety. Guilt. His Grace.

I can sit here and tell you every single thing that I have done wrong, everything that I am doing wrong within my life even at the second that I am writing this. I wanted to tell you guys a story, and tell you what has recently been happening throughout this bump in the road in my life. Then I realized that it's completely pointless.
​I'm guilty. I am guilty of lying, telling other people that I have a relationship with God when I've been spending my whole entire life pushing Him away from me. I am guilty of choosing to listen to every single negative thought that goes in my mind rather than listening to what God is sitting here and telling me; even though I hear what He is saying to me I push it away because I didn't feel like being "holy" that day. I am full of guilt, and that has turned into anxiety. It's turned me into this mess of mistakes and truly utter disappointment. I tell my friends that I'm fine, I tell them that there is nothing wrong with me when I'm screaming on the inside for help. I'm playing the role of a two-faced liar. I am letting this guilt literally eat away my happiness and it's turning into this empty jar where my heart once laid. I lost who I was, and at this point I am feeling so disgusting. I am guilty. This guilt has turned into nothing but a huge ball full of depression. It's torn down everything that I have built, this empire of happiness is no longer a skyscraper it has turned into nothing but a small ant. Everything that I do feels pointless, every singe mistake that I do feels so huge no matter how small it may be. I don't feel okay, I literally feel broken I feel like my soul was just removed and was brutally murdered. I am not that happy-go-lucky girl that everyone sees me as. I'm hurt, I'm sad, I'm broken and upset and I just want to cry. I am literally broken.
The thing I love about God is that we can be broken and he'll still love us. We can be murders, we can be rapists, we can be happy, we can be sad, we can be depressed, we can be the most meanest person on this planet and he will still love us. That's something that has taken me a while to get used to, knowing the fact that he will love me no matter what. Knowing the fact that I have pushed him away for such a long time and actually bringing him into my life and telling him to spend the rest of my time on this Earth with me. It's such an oddly amazing feeling, actually being able to breathe and knowing that everything is okay.
Now knowing that everything that I will ever deal with in my life is in his hands, that it's all going to be taken care of because of how much he loves me is such a relief. There are things that God has placed into our life, wether its: sickness, being abused, having anxiety, getting heartbroken, depression. All of these things hurt, they suck, they are completely and utterly terrible. But you know the one thing that God tells all of us? There's no wall that you cannot get over with him in your life, he will not put a wall in front of you that he knows that you can not get over. This anxiety that was created by guilt has been replaced by his grace. My weaknesses, and my past can't do anything to me anymore. He has me in the palm of his hands and he’s protecting me from everything. No matter what you may be going through, there’s nothing that God cannot do in your life. If you’re sick, or depressed God can help you, no matter how big or small your situation may be. There’s nothing that God cannot do.

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV) 
​But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.