I can sit here and tell you every single thing that I have done wrong, everything that I am doing wrong within my life even at the second that I am writing this. I wanted to tell you guys a story, and tell you what has recently been happening throughout this bump in the road in my life. Then I realized that it's completely pointless.
I'm guilty. I am guilty of lying, telling other people that I have a relationship with God when I've been spending my whole entire life pushing Him away from me. I am guilty of choosing to listen to every single negative thought that goes in my mind rather than listening to what God is sitting here and telling me; even though I hear what He is saying to me I push it away because I didn't feel like being "holy" that day. I am full of guilt, and that has turned into anxiety. It's turned me into this mess of mistakes and truly utter disappointment. I tell my friends that I'm fine, I tell them that there is nothing wrong with me when I'm screaming on the inside for help. I'm playing the role of a two-faced liar. I am letting this guilt literally eat away my happiness and it's turning into this empty jar where my heart once laid. I lost who I was, and at this point I am feeling so disgusting. I am guilty. This guilt has turned into nothing but a huge ball full of depression. It's torn down everything that I have built, this empire of happiness is no longer a skyscraper it has turned into nothing but a small ant. Everything that I do feels pointless, every singe mistake that I do feels so huge no matter how small it may be. I don't feel okay, I literally feel broken I feel like my soul was just removed and was brutally murdered. I am not that happy-go-lucky girl that everyone sees me as. I'm hurt, I'm sad, I'm broken and upset and I just want to cry. I am literally broken.
The thing I love about God is that we can be broken and he'll still love us. We can be murders, we can be rapists, we can be happy, we can be sad, we can be depressed, we can be the most meanest person on this planet and he will still love us. That's something that has taken me a while to get used to, knowing the fact that he will love me no matter what. Knowing the fact that I have pushed him away for such a long time and actually bringing him into my life and telling him to spend the rest of my time on this Earth with me. It's such an oddly amazing feeling, actually being able to breathe and knowing that everything is okay.
Now knowing that everything that I will ever deal with in my life is in his hands, that it's all going to be taken care of because of how much he loves me is such a relief. There are things that God has placed into our life, wether its: sickness, being abused, having anxiety, getting heartbroken, depression. All of these things hurt, they suck, they are completely and utterly terrible. But you know the one thing that God tells all of us? There's no wall that you cannot get over with him in your life, he will not put a wall in front of you that he knows that you can not get over. This anxiety that was created by guilt has been replaced by his grace. My weaknesses, and my past can't do anything to me anymore. He has me in the palm of his hands and he’s protecting me from everything. No matter what you may be going through, there’s nothing that God cannot do in your life. If you’re sick, or depressed God can help you, no matter how big or small your situation may be. There’s nothing that God cannot do.
2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)
Wouldn't it be nice to be able to spend a whole day without looking in a mirror, or at another person and constantly comparing yourself too them. Thinking that either you're too skinny, or they're too fat, vice-versa. Maybe someone got that raise or internship that you have been praying for everyday for three weeks. Comparison is such a huge thing that every single person on this earth struggles with. They see someone and they envy what they have, maybe even thinking that their life is completely perfect. In reality, everyone has struggles wether you may not see it or not. There are certain insecurities that we let our lives revolve around, thinking that we're not good enough in a certain situation. Sometimes we have to sit back and realize what we're doing within our lives, and how we're controlling certain situations. If we let our lives revolve against a certain situation or we're constantly comparing ourself to others out to jealousy, we're not going to go anywhere. We're going to be stuck in this one circle for the rest of your life with no way to humanly get out.
When in high school I would compare myself to all of the other girls in the room. The fact that they look perfect, literally- perfect. I beat myself up over something so small, thinking that I'll never be like them or look like them. Why should I want to look like someone else, when God created me to look how I do now, the way my hips are shaped, and the color of my hair, and even my skin condition.
Why should we compare ourselves to other people, why should we let these comparisons change what we think about ourselves and other people? Why do we change ourselves just to fit the "status-quo"?
God wants our lives to revolve around him, he wants us to chase after Him every moment of our lives and live out what He has planned for us. You may be so sick and tired of hearing that but let me tell you, it's completely true! “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9 NIV. God knows what we want, and even though we may feel like giving up, we maybe filled with envy and jealousy, or we're battling with depression- God is taking care of you right this moment! This person you may be comparing yourself to, may have their plans all lined up and ready to go, but they may be skipping a step that God has laid out for them to take. God wants YOU to watch every step he's placed right infront of you- and not skip one. Even if the person you envy has already reached the end of their course and they're getting everything that you want, God hasn't forgotten about you. You may have take an extra pair of steps, or even climb up a whole staircase! But God is and always will be taking care of you.
I'm a huge fan of chicken nuggets, and enthusiastically excited about what God as in store for my life. My other half is currently in the Air Force, so a lot of blog posts will be about the military as of right now.
Incase no one told you today:
YOU ARE AMAZING
YOU ARE LOVED
YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND
YOU ARE SPECIAL
YOU ARE MAGNIFICENT
YOU ARE WANTED
YOU ARE A MASTERPIECE
YOU ARE WONDERFUL
YOU ARE JOYFUL
YOU ARE TALENTED
YOU ARE GREAT
YOU ARE FANTASTIC
YOU ARE A QUEEN
YOU ARE LOVED BY SOMEONE WHO MADE YOU
YOU ARE KIND
YOU ARE YOU, don't let anyone change that.