the intentional taking of one's own life.
I remember in 8th grade and I learned what self harm was, people did it to feel better so I thought I could feel better too. This then started my addiction, I looked more and more into what suicide and self harm was. I didn't know who I was and I thought that this would completely make me feel better. Freshman year of high school my thoughts did not get any better. I pushed my friends and family away and I didn't want anyone in my life. I remember laying in my bed and listening to Hold On Till May, and I just took a handful of pills and I kept taking them. I remember feeling super sick at that moment, I didn't eat anything that whole day so I didn't think that would help. One of my friends kept begging me to call a parent and I refused. I kept telling him no, until I picked up my phone and called my mom. I was then taken to a hospital and I was just laying in bed. I begged, I literally BEGGED God to let me live. I didn't even know at that moment who God was. I remember there were doctors and a bunch of people in my room. I was then told that I would have to be moved to basically a mental hospital. I didn't want to go, I cried and kept crying. I remember being put into a ambulance sort of truck and watching my mom drive behind it as much as she could until she had to stop. I cried, I couldn't stop and I just broke at that moment. I regretted everything that I did at that moment. I was then taken to the place and I was on suicide watch for 72 hours. I called my mom every day once we got phone time and I felt so torn away. I hurt myself and I hurt others trying to do something that would end my life.
This is me now, 3 years later on the same street my hospital was at. I have never been so happy, or connected to God. On that day he gave me a secnd chance, because that's who he is. He always forgives you no matter what you do. At that moment he told me that my story was not over yet, he told me that I had so much more to live for.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Available 24 hours everyday
If you or anyone you know is dealing with suicidal thoughts or you are yourself, seek help. It sounds crazy but trust me just someone to talk to will help so much. Your story doesn't deserve to be ended short, you have pages and pages left to fill. Don't leave those pages blank.
I learned that no one is perfect. Seems totally and utterly funny because I’m constantly told this, constantly told that only Jesus is perfect. I really never knew that- I really never even knew who God was and what he did. I always knew in the back of my mind but I never fully took a step out of what I was feeling and doing and let god in. This year I did that, and there were some points where I kept dipping out of my relationship with him. Doing bad things and thinking that “Oh he’s just going to forgive me it’s no big deal”. I learned that regardless of what I did, he still loved me through it all.
I also started a blog, in which I was SOOOO happy to finally do! Writing has always been a passion of mine and just the thought that something that I could do could help other people in some way just makes my soul so happy. I learned how to forgive and move on.
Makeup can’t fix what’s on the inside. Just because you look beautiful on the outside does not mean that you’re beautiful on the inside. I kept trying to cover myself up with makeup. Thinking that I’ll be a different person once I was all dolled up and pretty. But that doesn’t help me at all.. nope. You’re beautiful just the way you are.
I BECAME A LEADER! Okay so let me tell you this first, I still honestly have NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING. This sounds crazy ik ik ik ik, but it's true. I first got a text from one of my leaders around the beginning of the year asking if I wanted to direct tech at church. I WAS SO CONFUSED! Of course I did say yes though but I was like, "Why me?" I had no clue what was going on and why I was even thought of someone who can lead out a whole team and help whenever there was a problem. I made some mistakes, I learned from them, I solved problems (prob not the most efficent way but it was done). But overall I grew a as person, and we even grew as a team together.
I ALSO BECAME A BANGS MENTOR! WHAAATTT? I never ever EVER EVER even pictured myself to be where I am right now. IT'S STILL MINDBLOWING! I was a BANGS ambassador this summer and after the term was over my mentor recommended me to become a mentor. I DIDN'T EVEN THINK I HAD LEADERSHIP SKILLS BUT YET SOMEONE SAW THAT IN ME! I then was asked to go through the process and I was then a BANGS mentor for the fall 2017 term! AAHHAHAH IT WAS SO COOL! I was totally terrified I had NO CLUE what I was doing what-so-ever. I was given 19 abassador's to make sure they're on track with the program and help them with whatever they needed. After the term ended (It actually did on December 20th) I had a call with the Co-Founder Hannah and I was asked to be a Mentor for the Spring 2018 term. STILL MINDBLOWING! But I am so excited for the 2018 term like ya'll dont understand.
MY SCARS DO NOT DEFINE ME! I always thought that I had to hide them. I'd wear long sleeves and always wear jackets just to cover up a part of my body that I was ashamed of. MY SCARS ARE MY STORY, THEY ARE A PART OF ME. I went through something terrible, and I didn't know how to deal with it and this is what I did to make myself feel better. Was it good for me to do that? Well no, if you know someone dealing with self harm PLEASE get them help. As of November 18th 2017 I became a year clean. Which was such a HUGE milestone for me, and I am so proud of how far I have come from that depressed girl who would sit in the corner to the girl who just sits in the corner (HAHHAHAH). But I am not ashamed of my scars anymore. They symbolise who I was, not who I am now. They show that I am WAY stronger than I used to be.
I already know you're going to be a great year. It's going to be filled with: lessons, amazing moments, maybe even heartbreak, sadness, and utter joy. But every day teaches you something, every day is meant to be taken in and learned from. I'm excited to see what God has planned for me throughout this year, and I'm ready for it.
GOALS FOR 2018:
I'm a huge fan of chicken nuggets, and enthusiastically excited about what God as in store for my life. My other half is currently in the Air Force, so a lot of blog posts will be about the military as of right now.
Incase no one told you today:
YOU ARE AMAZING
YOU ARE LOVED
YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND
YOU ARE SPECIAL
YOU ARE MAGNIFICENT
YOU ARE WANTED
YOU ARE A MASTERPIECE
YOU ARE WONDERFUL
YOU ARE JOYFUL
YOU ARE TALENTED
YOU ARE GREAT
YOU ARE FANTASTIC
YOU ARE A QUEEN
YOU ARE LOVED BY SOMEONE WHO MADE YOU
YOU ARE KIND
YOU ARE YOU, don't let anyone change that.