Being in a relationship felt like everything, it was freshman year of high school and I wanted to be in love. I wanted to be in love so badly that I did everything I could to change myself so that boys would like me. Which didn't end in such a ideal situation, it ended in sexual assault. I never wanted to like anyone ever again after everything that I went through since then. I ended up stopping going to church, and I quit talking to all of my friends. I was purely broken, and my parent's didn't believe me.
About three months later I met a glorious young man, let's call him 'Markus'. I started ended up attending church more frequently so I could see Markus a lot more. I fell in love with Markus, and I felt unstoppable. We started dating late freshman year of high school, and I was at my happiest point in my life at the time.
I was dealing with some family issues, and it began to consume all of my emotions. Flash forward to junior year, I ended up self harming one day, and I lost Markus. It was his last straw and he ended up leaving. Almost two years of a relationship had amounted to nothing. After everything that I had been through, I thought that Markus was the only good thing in my life that I had left. All I wanted to do at that moment was fall into a hole and die. I thought that was how my life was going to end, me in a graveyard. I thought he was committed to me, and on my birthday he told me that he wanted to marry me, despite how young we are he loved me so much. Eight days later, on November 18th, 2016, he dropped out of my life. I told people what happened and they began to tell me that he never did love me, and I started to believe them.
A four months later I actually did understand why he did ended up leaving, and that was the hardest part to try to comprehend. He saw that I never loved myself, and that I would never be truly happy because all I kept on relying so much on him I would have never have my own future. He wanted me to face situations head on and not destroy this body that God gave me just because of a situation that I had been going through. He wanted me to pursue my own passions and lean on my own understandings instead of his. He wanted me to love myself more than I could ever have loved Markus. Regardless of my self-harm problem I would have felt like he would have broken up at some point. A part of me still does miss him, but another part of me is happy that it did happen, I began to love myself, and I loved the girl who I saw in the mirror and I never ran away from a problem. I knew that I would have problems that I would had to deal with that I wouldn't want to, but I knew that I could face them head on.
It's almost been seven months now, and I have never been so happy. Situations happen, and at times they may suck. People go through things that we don't want to go through at times, but let me tell you something. No matter what you go through, it shapes you into somebody. I learned that I needed to be happy with myself and not depend on someone who could never fulfill the needs that only God could. I felt like I was in a gutter, and that I could never be able to got out. But healing takes time, and at times it may take months or years, but it's worth it. I will continue to pursue my passions, my dreams, and everything that I want. I will do it all without Markus, I'll do it all for myself.
I'm a huge fan of chicken nuggets, and enthusiastically excited about what God as in store for my life. My other half is currently in the Air Force, so a lot of blog posts will be about the military as of right now.
Incase no one told you today:
YOU ARE AMAZING
YOU ARE LOVED
YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND
YOU ARE SPECIAL
YOU ARE MAGNIFICENT
YOU ARE WANTED
YOU ARE A MASTERPIECE
YOU ARE WONDERFUL
YOU ARE JOYFUL
YOU ARE TALENTED
YOU ARE GREAT
YOU ARE FANTASTIC
YOU ARE A QUEEN
YOU ARE LOVED BY SOMEONE WHO MADE YOU
YOU ARE KIND
YOU ARE YOU, don't let anyone change that.